Could you stop wasting your time with your ex and someone new?

‘If someone called you a sex pest, you should call them out: That’s not what you want to be called’

Once a week for a whole year I use the (shame-free) Just Ask platform, so you can ask me anything. This week I talked to Ellie Harrison, 25, sex and relationship expert from FreeLove, about how to keep a sex life going when you’re dating (ok, or married) – when it may not be such a blissful experience.

This is really what I want to discuss: feeling left out. It’s part of the patriarchy. We were taught that if a partner was happier with someone else, then that was somehow not okay. To my shame, I thought I was being criticised for loving my husband [in my worst relationships]. I was shamed for loving myself: we lose ourselves when we’re with someone else, for “having it all”.

I know this is a cliche, but if someone called you a sex pest, you should call them out: that’s not what you want to be called. I shouldn’t have to say: “If this happened with me, I’d say something to him.” That’s such a narcissistic way of looking at what people are experiencing. And because I’m an expert in this field, I shouldn’t have to shout: “That’s not OK!”

Some people are insecure because their ex was gross and they have no feelings for them. This leads them to develop unhealthy relationships with other men and develop unhealthy behaviours in their relationships (getting clingy, being jealous). I don’t do those. If we’re overthinking it, there’s not time to do things that work.

Why can’t we just get on with life? Whether you are dating, married or single, yes – you love someone. Yes – the choices and choices you make affect each other. I don’t know how you feel about it, but I know I’m not perfect. If you feel like you’re not, talk to each other.”

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